Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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