It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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