just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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