Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize