i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
