If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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