I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We got so high we made milksteak
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just invented taco cereal.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
