Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
