My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
