You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
