I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
