Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
