"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
