There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
