You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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