I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
