I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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