I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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