I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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