cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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