I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
