I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
