You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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