how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
