I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
