it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
