we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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