I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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