I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
