respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
