Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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