I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
