There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
