Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
