my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
