Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
