My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
