So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
