I skipped work to stalk him.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
