So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
