I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
