why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
