It's like God shit irony all over that family
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
