The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
