anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize