And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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