I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
