Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
