"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
