Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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