3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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