im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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