u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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