just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
